If You Wanna Be Happy
by SandietheMafioso
Summary: A new genre of fanfiction is born… the Infernofic! In her third year at Hogwarts, Hermione starts taking Ancient Runes. Her teacher turns out to be a man of questionable sanity named David Paterno. Alias, The Inferno.


Disclaimer: I don't own Hermione or anything else from the Harry Potter books for that matter. Hell, I don't even own Paterno. He's my Latin teacher, and I thought he would be fun to put in the Harry Potter universe. I therefore don't own most of the crazy Paterno Inferno behaviors described herein. I do, however, own all of the characters in the Ancient Runes class.  
  
Note: I understand that Rowling wrote a conversation between Harry, Ron, Hermione, and others during breakfast on the first day of classes. We're just going to act like that never happened, m'kay?  
  
Harry and Ron walked down to the great hall for breakfast. Both were yawning, bleary- eyed, and too tired to be really happy about facing their first day as third year students at Hogwarts. They were both surprised and a little bit jealous when they saw Hermione already seated and eating, not so surprised to see her leafing through a small textbook.  
Ron snorted. "I can barely write my name at this hour, and she's already studying! How does she do it?" "Let's go ask her. After we get food," Harry said as the two of them sat down near their friend.  
"Good morning," Hermione said, barely looking up from her book.  
"It's nothing of the sort," Ron said, diving into his eggs. Hermione shrugged. "New classes. I've got Ancient Runes today." She tapped the book with one finger.  
"And this helps us how?" Ron asked.  
"Who teaches that course, anyway?" Harry asked, hoping to avert a speech about the doubtless numerous practical applications of Ancient Runes.  
"Let me see…" Hermione fished her schedule out of her bag. She read it, and wrinkled her nose. "Proffesor Paterno? Never heard of him. Harry?" Harry shook his head. "Nope." "Wait," Ron said, cocking his head to the side. "That rings a bell. I think Bill may have taken that class. Yes, yes, he definitely did, now that I think about it." Ron shrugged. "Don't remember him ever saying much about the teacher, though. I think he might be American?" "The name sounds French," Hermione offered. "I guess I'll see. The book's interesting, so it can't be all bad, can it?"  
  
"Ah, the first day of Charms," Harry said, walking out the classroom door.  
Ron grinned. "Oh, Flitwick and his speech. What would that class be without it?" "The class? I don't know if I could get through the term without him reminding me that I am now another year older and another year wiser." "A new year, new responsibilities." "More responsibilities." "We'll work harder than we've ever worked before-" "Some will excel-" "Some won't be able to do it-" "Some will die laughing, because I keep giving this same speech year after year and the fact still remains that I am a ridiculous little man and no one cares." "Wait a second." Ron stopped short.  
Harry turned around. "What is it?" "Hear that sound?" Harry strained his ears, but heard nothing but students talking and shuffling through the hallways. He began to get a little nervous. He'd spent a lot of his second year hearing things that no one else could; he hoped Ron hadn't fallen prey to anything of the sort. "What is it?" "It's silence. Hermione isn't yelling at us for making fun of Flitwick." Ron looked around. "Where is Hermione?" Harry almost laughed at his own nerves. "Is that all?" Looking around, he saw she wasn't anywhere nearby. "Who knows. Probably off to the library or something."  
  
Hermione emerged from the empty classroom she had ducked into to use the Time Turner. She glanced at a clock; she had apparently been successful. She walked down the hallway, headed for Ancient Runes.  
Hermione was one of the first students there. She put her bag down and slid into a desk near the front of the room. Professor Paternó was nowhere to be seen. There hadn't been a lot of interest in Ancient Runes, so the class was made up of students from all four houses and ranging from third to sixth year. As the students reached the classroom and settled in, Hermione gauged there to be about thirty in the class.  
Just as class started, a man came in the door. He was short and fat, his gray head was balding. His robes were open over a pair of gray slacks, a blue and white striped shirt, a paisley tie, and a brown cardigan sweater. He had a pair of large, thick glasses below his bushy black eyebrows. The man put his briefcase on the table in front of the room, and faced the class.  
"Good afternoon," he said. "Allow me to introduce myself, I am Professor Paterno. If you would all be so kind as to remain quiet while I take attendance?" He opened his briefcase, took out a roll book and a piece of parchment, and read off their names. As each of them answered, he scribbled their name down on a seating chart.  
"Now that that's taken care of," he said when he was done, "I would like to welcome you all to Ancient Runes I. Forgive me for sounding a little judgmental, but you're all crazy for taking this class. Mayhap some of you will come to your senses and drop it before anything goes to far. The true test of your sanity, however, will come at the end of this year. If you sign up for Ancient Runes II, there is nothing more I, or anyone else, can do for you. You will have officially gone over the edge. Now that I've informed you of the risk you run, I will explain to you how I run this class.  
"My grading system is fairly simple. I will grade you on homework, quizzes, and tests. You receive one hundred percent for completing a homework assignment and bringing it to class, and you will receive a zero for failing to do so. At the end of the term, all your homework grades will be averaged into one test grade, the same with your quiz grades. Then I'll average everything together, and that will be your term grade. I round up from point five. Therefore, an 89.49 is a B plus. Any questions?  
"In that case, please open your books to the introduction on page three. Señora Aloysius, would you please read for us?" A fifth year Slytherin girl started to read. Hermione followed along in her book. When the girl had finished reading, they opened to the first chapter and took notes on certain concepts that were universal to Ancient Runes of all cultures. There were a lot of notes. Even Hermione, who printed small and took down only important information, managed to fill both sides of three pages. On Hermione's left was a girl about her own age. Glancing in that direction, Hermione saw that the girl had filled the margins of her notes with tiny script that seemed to have nothing to do with Ancient Runes. Hermione caught lines like "i've been looking for one for the last couple months. the lowest price i've come across is about 100 galleons" and "I happen to be a terrible skier." Hermione bit her tongue to keep from saying anything; at least the girl had been taking some notes.  
The girl to Hermione's right was doing no such thing. Hermione recognized her, she was a sixth year Gryffindor by the name of Chrissy. Hermione watched as she scratched out a line on her parchment. A moment later a line of writing in another hand appeared beneath it, as though written by an invisible quill. Hermione turned away with disgust. It was a simple charm put on two pieces of parchment so that whatever was written on one would appear on both. It wasn't allowed during classes at Hogwarts. Hermione wasn't about to say anything. Chrissy was older than Hermione, and could be rather intimidating.  
They were soon set to work doing an exercise in their books. Hermione finished and looked around. About a third of the class were still working or had finished. The rest were writing on charmed parchments like the one Chrissy had or talking. Whenever their loud conversations floated back to the assignment, Hermione could tell that they were dismally behind. Most of the slackers were sixth years. Professor Paterno would occasionally look up from his seat and shush them, to little effect.  
The rest of the time dragged on. She took out her Charms homework while the rest of the class trudged along with the assignment. Professor Paterno assigned any unfinished work as homework just before the bell rang.  
What a class this is going to be, Hermione thought to herself as she packed up. If I have to sit through that every other day, I think I might scream.  
  
Just a side note, school is starting so I get to see Paterno in five days. Sqeeeeee! 


End file.
